Photo by Wyron A on Unsplash

Love-bombing. It’s a term that an alarming percentage of society has never heard of before and has no clue what it even means. Until a couple years ago I hadn’t. Once I found out about it, however, I dived deep into research surrounding it and ended up learning a whole new vocabulary of terms I had never really paid attention to before.

Love-bombing. Co-dependent. Covert. Psychic attack. Gas-lighting. Crazy-making.

Narcissist.

I had heard of narcissism in my youth and didn’t think too much of it. I thought, “oh yeah…like the people who always need to be the center of attention and care more about their image than anything else.” In the past I just thought that being a narcissist was another personality trait that some people had. I had no idea what it really meant.

It all started one day when I was contemplating why the relationship of my dreams had failed. I was miserable. Devastated. Absolutely sick over it. I KNEW it had to be my fault, but I was never able to come up with a good enough reason because I did everything right. So I turned to the one place in the world I can always count on for the best kind of guidance: YouTube.

Yep…I went on YouTube and searched for “what did I do wrong in my relationship” and tapped on the first video that popped up. I watched it in its entirety. A full 28 minutes. But about 3 minutes into the video I knew that I had stumbled upon what was going to give me all the answers I ever needed. The story this man was telling about his failed relationship was nearly the same as my own.

By the end of the first video I had gotten an answer I never expected. None of it was my fault. The only blame that belongs to me is for staying too long. Longer than I wanted to. Longer than I should have. But even that, I found, wasn’t my fault either. I was the victim of narcissistic abuse. I was the victim of something I’d NEVER heard of before. So I dived deeper into research and discovered a dimension of this world that I never knew existed.

Narcissistic abuse is a very twisted, dark, cruel game. It is very difficult to recognize and by the time the victim realizes what is going on, they’re usually too far in to get out right away. And once they do get out, they typically are stuck picking up the pieces of what used to be their life and start building from scratch. Possibly, for years.

The good news is that there is a very early sign (or symptom, in this case) that can clue you in to the fact that you may be dating a narcissist. Love-bombing. Love-bombing is THE trademark tactic that all true narcissists employ to captivate their victims.

So what does love-bombing really mean, anyway? The short version is that the narcissist (right off the bat without really even knowing that much about you yet) will make their whole world revolve around YOU. And very soon after they meet you will have you convinced (without really even knowing much about them yet) that they are literally the love you’ve been waiting for your entire life. The sky will look bluer. The sun will shine brighter. The birds will sing sweeter. You’ll have a constant smile on your face. And they’ll know they have you right where they want you. And that’s where it all starts.

Fresh-cut flowers, candy, jewelry, constant compliments, “I need you.” “I don’t know how I could ever live this life without you.” “You’re the only thing in this world that matters to me.” All-day-every-day texting. Long phone calls every night. Romantic getaways, cuddling, endless laughter. Long all-night conversations in the candlelight until dawn. You both can’t seem to get enough time together no matter how long you have. You’re hooked. This is it.

Then, as suddenly as this whirlwind began, it starts to change. Drastically. The texts wane to almost nothing. Days will start to go by with no contact. You’ll start getting concerned and ask to talk. You’ll be told you’re just worrying over nothing. “Sometimes I just need a little space.” , “I have had a long week and am just really tired.” There’s not much laughter anymore at all. You’re deeply affected by this. “Everything was going so great….what did I do wrong?” And you’ll obsess over this to the point that you lose interest in EVERYTHING in your life but figuring THIS out.

Typically, right when you’ve just gotten to a point where you’re getting over it and accepted that they just changed their mind, guess who shows back up? The narcissist!!!! With flowers, and wine, and candy. Slow dancing with you in the kitchen telling you how much they missed you! Promising to never leave you again. More love-bombing.

And it feels greeeeeeeat!

And you believe it.

But you shouldn’t.

Just as everything is back on track things start getting weird again. They are showing you sides of them you never imagined existed. “But that’s ok,” you tell yourself. “We are just really starting to get to know each other better, that’s all.” You force yourself to believe every ridiculous excuse you make up for them and their diminishing respect for you. And then the next phase begins.

“You should be grateful have me in your life, because no one else would EVER be willing to deal with you.” “You’re too sensitive and are taking things the wrong way.” “There are so many other people just DYING to be with me. You should feel lucky that I am choosing YOU out of all of them for some reason.” “I don’t even know why I like you.” “You’re literal trash.”

And you begin to believe that, too.

Slowly but surely you get depressed. Sad. Miserable. You can’t stop thinking about the wine and roses and slow dances in the kitchen. The long all-night talks about each of your deepest thoughts and hopes and dreams. The constant laughter you once shared together. You want it back. So you tell yourself you’ll do whatever it takes to get it back. And you stay.

And the abuse continues. And gets worse. And you start to feel like the biggest loser in the world. And you start to believe that nothing you do will ever be good enough. And nothing in the world makes you happy anymore. And you begin to start believing that nothing ever will again.

At this point, you’re probably finally ready to get out. But you’re so weak and so tired that you literally have no hope of ever finding anyone who will ever love you again. You’re only goal at this point: survival.

So you make a break for it and begin the very slow and outrageously painful process of moving on from this person. You still can’t stop thinking about the wine and roses and slow dances. The great conversations. The romance. But what you really miss the most is the laughter.

You grieve. You withdrawal from their presence. But you can’t stop thinking about them.

Months go by. Years. They still haunt your mind. You’re pretty sure you will never get past this. And you are probably right.

Most people in society are good. They want real love and have a lot of love to share. Real love does exist. True friendship is out there. But NONE of it EVER starts with love-bombing. That I am willing to guarantee.

My story is not unique. Nor are my experiences with narcissists. As it turn out, my story is the same as MILLIONS of other people in the world. Almost to a T. That is no coincidence.

My hope in sharing what I know from first-hand experience and years of in-depth real-life research on the subject is that telling what I’ve been through may prevent someone else from going through what I’ve been through. I’ve talked to many, many people who have experienced the devastating effects of narcissistic abuse and feel it is my responsibility to raise awareness.

If you have any questions or need guidance on narcissistic abuse, please feel free to message me, and I’ll do my best to respond and point you in the right direction. The more knowledge you are armed with, the less likely you are to ever be the victim of narcissistic abuse in the future.

I know for a fact I never will be again! Love-bombing shows me all I need to know about a person. So keep an eye out for the signs!