A funny thing happens when you are in the midst of a crazy tumultuous time in your life. It’s like the whole time you know you’re preparing to enter a storm, and you have faith that you have all you need to defeat it, and you’re optimistic about the outcome. And feel ready for it. And then you invite it to battle.
That’s how it is for me, anyway. I lay in wait for the perfect time to make a move. Like the ultimate chess game. And I’m not willing to play you unless I invite you in. But I wait for you to invite me first without even knowing it. The subtle cues. The mannerisms. The things that make your pulse go up…especially that look I give you that tells you directly right off the bat that I’m reading into your soul at every moment and you will not be able to escape the pull.
And that’s right about the time you realize fully…..that you’ll never be able to conquer or defeat me, no matter what move you make against me.
Because even when I lose, I find a way to turn it into a win.
Love-bombing. It’s a term that an alarming percentage of society has never heard of before and has no clue what it even means. Until a couple years ago I hadn’t. Once I found out about it, however, I dived deep into research surrounding it and ended up learning a whole new vocabulary of terms I had never really paid attention to before.
I had heard of narcissism in my youth and didn’t think too much of it. I thought, “oh yeah…like the people who always need to be the center of attention and care more about their image than anything else.” In the past I just thought that being a narcissist was another personality trait that some people had. I had no idea what it really meant.
It all started one day when I was contemplating why the relationship of my dreams had failed. I was miserable. Devastated. Absolutely sick over it. I KNEW it had to be my fault, but I was never able to come up with a good enough reason because I did everything right. So I turned to the one place in the world I can always count on for the best kind of guidance: YouTube.
Yep…I went on YouTube and searched for “what did I do wrong in my relationship” and tapped on the first video that popped up. I watched it in its entirety. A full 28 minutes. But about 3 minutes into the video I knew that I had stumbled upon what was going to give me all the answers I ever needed. The story this man was telling about his failed relationship was nearly the same as my own.
By the end of the first video I had gotten an answer I never expected. None of it was my fault. The only blame that belongs to me is for staying too long. Longer than I wanted to. Longer than I should have. But even that, I found, wasn’t my fault either. I was the victim of narcissistic abuse. I was the victim of something I’d NEVER heard of before. So I dived deeper into research and discovered a dimension of this world that I never knew existed.
Narcissistic abuse is a very twisted, dark, cruel game. It is very difficult to recognize and by the time the victim realizes what is going on, they’re usually too far in to get out right away. And once they do get out, they typically are stuck picking up the pieces of what used to be their life and start building from scratch. Possibly, for years.
The good news is that there is a very early sign (or symptom, in this case) that can clue you in to the fact that you may be dating a narcissist. Love-bombing. Love-bombing is THE trademark tactic that all true narcissists employ to captivate their victims.
So what does love-bombing really mean, anyway? The short version is that the narcissist (right off the bat without really even knowing that much about you yet) will make their whole world revolve around YOU. And very soon after they meet you will have you convinced (without really even knowing much about them yet) that they are literally the love you’ve been waiting for your entire life. The sky will look bluer. The sun will shine brighter. The birds will sing sweeter. You’ll have a constant smile on your face. And they’ll know they have you right where they want you. And that’s where it all starts.
Fresh-cut flowers, candy, jewelry, constant compliments, “I need you.” “I don’t know how I could ever live this life without you.” “You’re the only thing in this world that matters to me.” All-day-every-day texting. Long phone calls every night. Romantic getaways, cuddling, endless laughter. Long all-night conversations in the candlelight until dawn. You both can’t seem to get enough time together no matter how long you have. You’re hooked. This is it.
Then, as suddenly as this whirlwind began, it starts to change. Drastically. The texts wane to almost nothing. Days will start to go by with no contact. You’ll start getting concerned and ask to talk. You’ll be told you’re just worrying over nothing. “Sometimes I just need a little space.” , “I have had a long week and am just really tired.” There’s not much laughter anymore at all. You’re deeply affected by this. “Everything was going so great….what did I do wrong?” And you’ll obsess over this to the point that you lose interest in EVERYTHING in your life but figuring THIS out.
Typically, right when you’ve just gotten to a point where you’re getting over it and accepted that they just changed their mind, guess who shows back up? The narcissist!!!! With flowers, and wine, and candy. Slow dancing with you in the kitchen telling you how much they missed you! Promising to never leave you again. More love-bombing.
And it feels greeeeeeeat!
And you believe it.
But you shouldn’t.
Just as everything is back on track things start getting weird again. They are showing you sides of them you never imagined existed. “But that’s ok,” you tell yourself. “We are just really starting to get to know each other better, that’s all.” You force yourself to believe every ridiculous excuse you make up for them and their diminishing respect for you. And then the next phase begins.
“You should be grateful have me in your life, because no one else would EVER be willing to deal with you.” “You’re too sensitive and are taking things the wrong way.” “There are so many other people just DYING to be with me. You should feel lucky that I am choosing YOU out of all of them for some reason.” “I don’t even know why I like you.” “You’re literal trash.”
And you begin to believe that, too.
Slowly but surely you get depressed. Sad. Miserable. You can’t stop thinking about the wine and roses and slow dances in the kitchen. The long all-night talks about each of your deepest thoughts and hopes and dreams. The constant laughter you once shared together. You want it back. So you tell yourself you’ll do whatever it takes to get it back. And you stay.
And the abuse continues. And gets worse. And you start to feel like the biggest loser in the world. And you start to believe that nothing you do will ever be good enough. And nothing in the world makes you happy anymore. And you begin to start believing that nothing ever will again.
At this point, you’re probably finally ready to get out. But you’re so weak and so tired that you literally have no hope of ever finding anyone who will ever love you again. You’re only goal at this point: survival.
So you make a break for it and begin the very slow and outrageously painful process of moving on from this person. You still can’t stop thinking about the wine and roses and slow dances. The great conversations. The romance. But what you really miss the most is the laughter.
You grieve. You withdrawal from their presence. But you can’t stop thinking about them.
Months go by. Years. They still haunt your mind. You’re pretty sure you will never get past this. And you are probably right.
Most people in society are good. They want real love and have a lot of love to share. Real love does exist. True friendship is out there. But NONE of it EVER starts with love-bombing. That I am willing to guarantee.
My story is not unique. Nor are my experiences with narcissists. As it turn out, my story is the same as MILLIONS of other people in the world. Almost to a T. That is no coincidence.
My hope in sharing what I know from first-hand experience and years of in-depth real-life research on the subject is that telling what I’ve been through may prevent someone else from going through what I’ve been through. I’ve talked to many, many people who have experienced the devastating effects of narcissistic abuse and feel it is my responsibility to raise awareness.
If you have any questions or need guidance on narcissistic abuse, please feel free to message me, and I’ll do my best to respond and point you in the right direction. The more knowledge you are armed with, the less likely you are to ever be the victim of narcissistic abuse in the future.
I know for a fact I never will be again! Love-bombing shows me all I need to know about a person. So keep an eye out for the signs!
I was married for 96 months in a robust 2-income household and never had a penny to my name. Our rent was ALWAYS late. We faced eviction so many times over the years that I lost count. The power company sent us shut-off notices every month. We spent many nights in the dark, using candlelight to find our way around.
My then-husband’s new pool sticks were prioritized over the water bill being paid or replacing shoes and clothing that the kids had outgrown. His insatiable need to have latest new smartphone model was prioritized over car payments, and my vehicle that I worked very hard to purchase before I even married him was inevitably repossessed. His addiction to online gaming was prioritized over making sure we had enough nutritious food to keep our growing family healthy and content. And when I’d had enough and tried to get out, he emptied every red cent in our bank account so that there was no way I could leave.
I was stranded. Held captive in the exact opposite of the life he had promised me.
I was constantly stressed and worried. And eventually, terrified. I worked incredibly hard to provide for my family and every last dollar of my paycheck was already spent before it even got deposited. I made really good money, too, so none of it really made much sense. It was an endless loop of scarcity and fear. And I believed there was no way out of that nightmare.
I left the marriage 2.5 years ago and have struggled a LOT! I went down to a 1-income household making considerably less money that I ever had before I left. I took on all responsibility for the children on my own. We had no choice but to flee like refugees and move in to a part of town that was on the “wrong side of the tracks.” I was quite uncertain that I made a good decision on the new place I had chosen to call “home,” but I knew somehow that it would be better than what I was leaving behind. Anything would be better than that.
We started our first week out in our new home with food from Dollar Tree and just the clothes on our backs as well as a few blankets my ever-so-generous then-husband graciously allowed me to take. No tv. No radio. No toys for the kids. We literally had nothing. Regardless, as I glanced back at our family home through the rear-view window, I somehow knew that everything was going to be alright from now on. A peace had enveloped me. A joy. I had finally escaped!
Over the last couple of years I found myself in situations I never thought I’d find myself in. Problems I had never forecasted rained down upon me. My kids have struggled, too. But somehow I’ve always found a way to carry on and make the most out of any situation I find myself in.
It hasn’t been easy. But my power has never been shut off once. Bills may run a bit overdue now and again, but they’re ALWAYS paid in full. The boys always have clothing and shoes. We always have more than enough to eat. I bought a new vehicle and still have not to this day missed one single payment. And although I still worry here and there and go through struggles, life is immeasurably better than it ever was before I left.
Today I paid off my home. It took 18 months. Not long if you consider the fact that in my 96 months of marriage I never owned ANYTHING, let alone a home I could call my own. If you asked me 2.5 years ago I would have told you that there was no way possible this day would ever come. But here it is.
I definitely couldn’t have done it on my own, though.
Thanks to my parents for helping me out in countless ways countless times. And for always being supportive no matter what. And especially for raising me to NEVER give up! Thank you for raising me to be survivor.
Thanks to my neighbor who gifted me a lawnmower when I first moved in because he knew there was no way I was going to be able to put together enough money to buy my own.
Thanks to my then-landlord for gifting couches and other furniture to me when I first moved in because he knew the dire situation my children and I had found ourselves in.
Thanks to my friends for lifting me up and always being there in any way that they could. And for always being so understanding, generous, and kind to my boys.
Thanks to my children who have been impossibly supportive and patient with me as I worked on bettering our situation and rebuilding our lives. I’ll never give up!
And a HUGE thank you to my ex-husband. Thank you for doing everything possible to get in my way. Thank you for trying everything in your power to cause me to fail. Thank you for not supporting your children at all. Dealing with you has taught me how to be stronger and has motivated me to fight even harder to build the life my children and I deserve. A life of peace. A life of love. A life of security.
Today is a huge milestone for the kids and me. Today we are homeowners.
What started out as a foreign, scary place has truly become our sanctuary. A place where new traditions have been forged. A place where only love and light are allowed. A place where we can be together and feel safe and content always.
There have been so many times I felt helpless and hopeless and frightened. I don’t doubt there still will be times like that. But at least now I know with certainty I’ll be able to navigate through them.
I share my story today in hopes that it reaches someone who needs to hear it. Someone who knows they need to change their situation, but is afraid. I hope my story, in the very least, helps you to find the courage to make a change for the better. To find the strength to jump over any roadblock that pops up on your path. To find all of the possibilities in a seemingly impossible situation. And to realize that you can do it.
I’m not big into holidays. I never have been. I find them to be quite chaotic, stressful, overstimulating, wasteful, and well…fake. I’ve always looked at them as nothing more than a major tactic of capitalism under the guise of “tradition.” And each major holiday, without fail or exception, ALWAYS brings me the wondrous gift of major anxiety attacks.
There is a certain stigma that surrounds each pagan holiday. Easter is for baskets of chocolate and pastel-dyed eggs. Thanksgiving is for Turkey and football. Christmas is for spending a bunch of money you don’t have for the exchange of gifts you don’t need and over-eating. There is a lot of pressure to wear your “best” clothing and present yourself as some super happy excited human being to everyone in your life who already knows you well enough to know that’s just not who you are. What’s the point?
I notice that the general majority of people get incredibly excited and joyous about holidays. In drastic contrast, I get incredibly depressed, stressed, and overwhelmed. I’ve always been this way, and always thought there had to be something wrong with me.
Yesterday afternoon as I was isolating myself in my bedroom watching crime documentaries on Netflix pretending it was just another random Thursday while the kids played in the living room I contemplated, “Why are holidays always so hard for me? Even in the best of times?” I went and turned off the oven, turkey still inside. The boiled potatoes were un-mashed sitting in the pot of water. The drippings were in the pan waiting to be turned into gravy. I had to take a break from it all. It was a bit too much for me.
Once I triple-checked that I had turned all the burners off, overtaken with guilt, I headed back to my room to think about what could possibly be wrong with me. And I came to realize that holidays literally go against EVERYTHING I believe in. The phoniness. The drama. The intense pressure to participate in things you want nothing to do with for the sake of tradition. Same shit, different year. Over and over and over again. Conditional programming. Fitting the mold.
At that point in my thoughts I began to feel ungrateful. After all, holidays are about celebrating gratitude with your loved ones. I should be feeling nothing but blessed around the holidays. I’m no scrooge, and I AM grateful. So what do I do to fix my problem? That’s when I had a stunning realization: I can still participate joyfully, but in my OWN way.
I don’t have to dye eggs or roast a turkey or trim a tree to celebrate just because that’s what everyone else does. I’m not required to do the festive things everyone else feels the need to do around the holidays. NOT doing those things won’t hurt my family. We can celebrate in our own way, without ANY of the pressure. It’s okay if we sit around in our pajamas together watching documentaries, listening to non-festive music, eating grilled cheese for dinner on Thanksgiving. It’s okay to spend the entire holiday in a soup kitchen volunteering to serve food to those less fortunate than we are. It’s okay to donate items to families who are struggling more than we are. Our joy, after all, comes from truly giving from the heart to those who need uplifting.
I was super happy with my new outlook on holidays. I immediately went out to the living room to tell my kids my thoughts on how holidays should go from now on in our time together and asked their opinions. “Do you guys think you’d be ok with grilled cheese for dinner next Thanksgiving instead of all this madness that I really don’t like to do?” I asked.
“Of course, I don’t even really like turkey that much anyway,” replied Linkin. “I don’t care what we eat as long as you feed me,” stated Kam. “But what about the turkey you made tonight? I’m getting really hungry.”
The turkey! The un-mashed potatoes! The gravy! I had to finish dinner, and by now it was getting late. So together the 3 of us gathered in the kitchen and finished preparing dinner. And then we ate it, gratefully, knowing that it was probably the last time we’ll ever make a “traditional” Thanksgiving dinner again while talking about how great next Thanksgiving will be when we’re eating grilled cheese and not having a huge mess to clean up afterwards.
The most ironic part of the night was that the ONLY thing traditional about our Thanksgiving was the turkey. The boys literally sat on the kitchen counter in their underwear, each eating a giant turkey leg with no plate like Vikings. And that was the very BEST part of my night. It brought me great joy to realize that despite the turkey, we did Thanksgiving our own way after all.
We’re just gonna do holidays in our own weird way from now on. Unapologetically. The way we always should have done it. Whatever way makes us happy and content. And that makes me look forward to every holiday to come. ❤
So I’ve been chatting with a lot of people in my circle lately about how the universe communicates with me constantly. I’ll be listening to music and a song I’ve never heard before will play at just the right moment and the lyrics will answer a question I’ve been pondering. I’ll be driving down the road on my weekly Saturday morning leisure drive and a license plate on the car in front of me will confirm my exact thoughts at that moment. I’ll be walking through the woods and thinking of my late grandmother and out of nowhere a red-winged blackbird will fly right by me. (We used to birdwatch together in my youth, and those were her absolute favorite.) I’ll discover a music artist whose music really speaks to me and not soon after will get a call from a friend telling me they’ve got tickets and we’re going. The list goes on and on.
Is it all a coincidence?? Or is there more to it?
The more I began to think about it I came to realize that the universe has been speaking to me my entire life. I was just blinded by the conditional programming our society uses to keep us all obedient for too long. I was paying attention to all the wrong things. Things that would inevitably lead me astray from the path I was destined to walk. Things that would silence the gifts I was given in this lifetime and meant to share with the world. But one day, as it were, I woke up. Finally, I started seeing the signs.
As I started to understand how the universe operates I began telling everyone I could about it so that they could start to see the signs in their life, too. I was nervous at first. “Surely,” I thought, “everyone is going to think I’ve gone insane.” Much to my surprise, however, opening up about what I had discovered changed my life in the most wonderful ways.
All the wrong people fled my life. All the right ones appeared in my life. People started sharing their own experiences with me. There were unbelievable parallels that brought us closer together. Magic. Enlightenment. Confirmation. Oneness. Peace. Harmony. Love.
My focus shifted from the material world to the world we cannot detect with the “five senses” we are taught to believe we are limited to. I began meditating regularly. I began practicing gratitude instead of doubt. I began to tune in to my own mindfulness and self-awareness. And the signs became more apparent and accessible to me.
In time I realized that the veil was being lifted. I was shedding everything I had been taught and learning on my own everything that was truly real about existence. And I realized that art in all forms has been trying to express the same lesson over and over and over again throughout all of time. I learned that ANYTHING is possible and we all have the power inside of us to make our lives whatever we want them to be. There is ALWAYS a way, no matter how impossible it may seem. The only true limits are the ones we put on ourselves. The only tools we need are the signs the universe gives us.
Today I challenge you to open yourself up to the signs around you. When you see one, you won’t even have to second-guess. It’s a feeling. A knowing. The universe, your higher self, intuition, God….whatever you believe in or want to name it…is ALWAYS communicating with you and guiding you. Are you paying attention??? If not, maybe THIS is the sign you’ve been looking for.
Despite the normal stressors as well as the not-so-normal stressors I would have to say life is actually pretty great. I’ve got TONS to be grateful for, especially my children. I’ve got a handful of amazingly weird and chaotic and beautiful and straight up REAL friends. I’m blessed with a supportive and loving family. I have a job I enjoy. I have a home decorated in art and love and music. I have strength and passion and curiosity. I have self-respect (which, as it turns out, is a very rare quality) and self-love. I have everything I need and most of what I want.
If you asked me 2.5 years ago, I would have told the a different story. I was in a bad place. It was the first Thanksgiving separated from my husband with our family split apart for the first time in 8 years. It was foreign, and empty, and terrifying. I was on my own with 3 young boys and not a clue how I was going to do it. They spent Thanksgiving Day with him. That was the first Thanksgiving in my life that I spent completely alone (aside from the bottle of red wine that accompanied me on the couch) crying in the dark.
I felt so alone. So wrecked. The one thing I valued most in life…my precious family…was completely torn apart. All my perfect dreams of the life my children were going to have were shattered. With that, so was my heart. “Nothing,” I thought, “would ever be good again.”
I thought then that day-to-day life was a challenge to cope with. The holidays…way worse to cope with. The traditions I had worked so hard over the years to build for my children…completely destroyed. Yup, nothing was ever going to be the same.
I struggled for months and months and months. I changed jobs. Took a significant pay cut. Gave up all of my hobbies and dreams. I went from a healthy 2-income household to half of a 1-income household, on my own, with 3 kids. I was learning how to juggle full time work, any semblance of a normal social life I could find, shopping, cooking, cleaning, homework, showering regularly, praying, meditating, paying bills on time, and laundry. Ugh…the laundry. I was exhausted. Running on fumes. Frightened of how much time I had before I couldn’t keep going anymore. It was pretty bad.
I went through a relationship during that time. The not-so-good kind. I realized later it was simply a distraction from the reality I faced. Something to get lost in for awhile. Another excuse. Another mistake. Another massive heartbreak. Another delusion.
I drank. A lot. I thought about running away. A lot. I cried alone on my bedroom floor. A lot. Life was looking pretty unpromising.
Then one day I got pissed off and tired of feeling like life was going to always be an awful mess. I came to realize that shit happens. It always has, and it’s always going to. Then I realized that what had happened to my life wasn’t the problem. The problem was my perception of my life. I was so stuck in a swamp of grief and fear and anger and resentment and loss that I failed to see the opportunities for all that my life could now become had I stayed in an abusive marriage that I knew I never should have entered into in the first place. That, in and of itself, is a lot to accept.
I spent a good portion of 2019 self-reflecting. Analyzing my decisions. Not just recent ones…the ones I’ve made my entire life. And I got to know myself. Like, REALLY know myself. I figured out my personal habits and where they stem from. I realized some of my major character flaws and worked on them avidly. I identified all of the negative mindsets that had been programmed into me. I gave up most of the things that were never good for me. I replaced those things with things that brought me joy and peace. I replaced self-loathing with self-love. I replaced entitlement with gratitude. I replaced resentment with acceptance. I replaced hate with (in the very least) understanding. And you know what…life became GREAT again!
It took a lot of work. A lot of pain. But I got there.
In retrospect, I’ve always had a great life. I’ve always had a loving and supportive family. I’ve always had a handful of extraordinary friends. I’ve always had strength and passion and curiosity. I’ve always had a comfortable place to live. I literally have had NOTHING in my life worth complaining about. But my perspective was so wrong for so long that I never truly realized how blessed I’ve been in this world. And because of my perspective I never even gave myself a chance to know what it feels like to be truly grateful.
So I guess the moral to this long rambling story is this: Perspective is EVERYTHING! Shit happens. Things change. People come and go. Nothing is forever. Accept it. Own it. Appreciate it. Deal with it. Laugh. Cry. Dance. Sing. Explore. Do your best. But NEVER allow circumstances and unfavorable outcomes take you to a place so low that your entire mindset changes. Because it’s easy to get stuck there. And incredibly challenging to get out.
So if you’re feeling some kind of way in life right now and wondering if things will ever be good again, I challenge you to change your perspective. I’m willing to bet that if you do miraculous things will start happening for you. Actually, I promise they will! ❤
justkristi82 