Tag: gratitude

A Fast That Changed Me

On By KKIn Uncategorized

Last week, I set out with a simple intention.

I decided to go meat-free for one week.

That decision quickly evolved into something deeper.

By Monday, I committed to a one-meal-a-day, meat-free fast, eating only at 6:00 p.m. I completed Monday and Tuesday successfully. Hunger was present, but manageable. I felt focused. Clear. Grounded.

Then Wednesday came.

By mid-day, the hunger intensified in a way I hadn’t expected. Instead of pushing through another eating window, I listened inward and made a new decision: Wednesday would be a full water-only fast.

That’s when everything shifted.

By Wednesday night, my senses became incredibly acute. Sounds were louder. Thoughts were sharper. Emotions moved through me more freely. My body was tired, but my mind and spirit were wide awake. Sleep barely came.

Thursday morning arrived, and I knew—deep in my body—that it would be time to break my fast at the 48-hour no-food mark. Still, I held the line until 6:00 p.m.

It wasn’t easy.

But I made it.

At 6:00 p.m., I ate pizza with vegetables and cheese—no meat. The effect was immediate and profound. My body relaxed. My nervous system softened. A wave of calm and bliss washed over me, and for the first time in days, sleep found me.

This morning, I woke up still a little sleepy—but deeply grateful.

Grateful that I had the strength to finish.
Grateful that I honored my body.
Grateful for what the fast revealed.

My Intentions—and the Results

I entered this fast with three intentions:

  • To gain mental clarity
  • To heighten my spiritual senses
  • To cleanse and heal my body

All three occurred.

But the lessons went even deeper.

I learned that I have more discipline than I ever believed.
I learned that I am more grateful than I ever knew.
I learned that even the most basic, simple things in life—like food—should never be taken for granted.

I gained a small glimpse into what it feels like for those who do not have consistent access to food, and that awareness has stayed with me.

I learned that my body is a temple, and what I put into it matters—not just physically, but mentally and spiritually.

What Carried Me Through

During the hardest moments, I leaned on three things.

First, I thought of Jesus in the desert.

Then, I thought of those who do not have the luxury of eating every day.

Then, I returned to God’s Word.

And when it felt hardest of all—when fear, pain, grief, shame, nightmares, and emotional turbulence surfaced—I anchored myself in love.

The love I have in my life.
The love I have for others.
The love that sustains us all.

There were moments during this fast when temptation appeared in many forms. But each time it did, I called upon Jesus—and each time, I was carried through.

The Outcome

This fast was successful in every way that mattered.

My heart has softened.
My body feels renewed.
My spirit is singing.

I’ve learned how certain foods affect my mind, body, and spirit, and I feel better equipped to navigate a healthier, more intentional version of myself moving forward.

This wasn’t just about abstaining from food.
It was about discipline.
Awareness.
Gratitude.
Faith.

And for all of it—

Praise to God.

That One Time We Had to Evacuate from Dave Matthews Band

On By KKIn Uncategorized

So, here I am, tucked in at home today, feeling a bit under the weather and letting Dave Matthews Band be my medicine. Funny enough, it brings me back to a night in 2021 on Northerly Island—one of those nights that turned into a story I never thought I’d tell.

I had tickets for the second night of the show. After so long locked down, not just because of COVID but because I’d grown a little wary of big crowds and the sheer wildness of people in that kind of setting, I was finally ready to step out. And what better organized chaos to embrace than a Dave Matthews Band concert, right?

But nature had other plans. The skies decided to put on a show of their own with winds, lightning, and rain that turned the whole evening into a hurricane-tornado-tsunami combo. Dave himself had to cancel the show. He was so heartbroken he actually cried on stage as he made the announcement. It was one of the most oddly beautiful moments, because here I was, finally ready to trust the world again, and the world just threw a storm party.

But here’s the magic: as we all walked off the island, people held hands, everyone stayed calm, and it felt like this incredible little bubble of humanity, after so long of being socially distanced apart. The concert didn’t happen, but something even more profound did. And now, on a sick day like this, as I listen to Dave Matthews at home, I remember that night and smile.

In remembrance of S. R. Fannin: thank you for sharing that moment with me. ❤

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Holidays are Weird.

On By KKIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

I’m not big into holidays. I never have been. I find them to be quite chaotic, stressful, overstimulating, wasteful, and well…fake. I’ve always looked at them as nothing more than a major tactic of capitalism under the guise of “tradition.” And each major holiday, without fail or exception, ALWAYS brings me the wondrous gift of major anxiety attacks.

There is a certain stigma that surrounds each pagan holiday. Easter is for baskets of chocolate and pastel-dyed eggs. Thanksgiving is for Turkey and football. Christmas is for spending a bunch of money you don’t have for the exchange of gifts you don’t need and over-eating. There is a lot of pressure to wear your “best” clothing and present yourself as some super happy excited human being to everyone in your life who already knows you well enough to know that’s just not who you are. What’s the point?

I notice that the general majority of people get incredibly excited and joyous about holidays. In drastic contrast, I get incredibly depressed, stressed, and overwhelmed. I’ve always been this way, and always thought there had to be something wrong with me.

Yesterday afternoon as I was isolating myself in my bedroom watching crime documentaries on Netflix pretending it was just another random Thursday while the kids played in the living room I contemplated, “Why are holidays always so hard for me? Even in the best of times?” I went and turned off the oven, turkey still inside. The boiled potatoes were un-mashed sitting in the pot of water. The drippings were in the pan waiting to be turned into gravy. I had to take a break from it all. It was a bit too much for me.

Once I triple-checked that I had turned all the burners off, overtaken with guilt, I headed back to my room to think about what could possibly be wrong with me. And I came to realize that holidays literally go against EVERYTHING I believe in. The phoniness. The drama. The intense pressure to participate in things you want nothing to do with for the sake of tradition. Same shit, different year. Over and over and over again. Conditional programming. Fitting the mold.

At that point in my thoughts I began to feel ungrateful. After all, holidays are about celebrating gratitude with your loved ones. I should be feeling nothing but blessed around the holidays. I’m no scrooge, and I AM grateful. So what do I do to fix my problem? That’s when I had a stunning realization: I can still participate joyfully, but in my OWN way.

I don’t have to dye eggs or roast a turkey or trim a tree to celebrate just because that’s what everyone else does. I’m not required to do the festive things everyone else feels the need to do around the holidays. NOT doing those things won’t hurt my family. We can celebrate in our own way, without ANY of the pressure. It’s okay if we sit around in our pajamas together watching documentaries, listening to non-festive music, eating grilled cheese for dinner on Thanksgiving. It’s okay to spend the entire holiday in a soup kitchen volunteering to serve food to those less fortunate than we are. It’s okay to donate items to families who are struggling more than we are. Our joy, after all, comes from truly giving from the heart to those who need uplifting.

I was super happy with my new outlook on holidays. I immediately went out to the living room to tell my kids my thoughts on how holidays should go from now on in our time together and asked their opinions. “Do you guys think you’d be ok with grilled cheese for dinner next Thanksgiving instead of all this madness that I really don’t like to do?” I asked.

“Of course, I don’t even really like turkey that much anyway,” replied Linkin. “I don’t care what we eat as long as you feed me,” stated Kam. “But what about the turkey you made tonight? I’m getting really hungry.”

The turkey! The un-mashed potatoes! The gravy! I had to finish dinner, and by now it was getting late. So together the 3 of us gathered in the kitchen and finished preparing dinner. And then we ate it, gratefully, knowing that it was probably the last time we’ll ever make a “traditional” Thanksgiving dinner again while talking about how great next Thanksgiving will be when we’re eating grilled cheese and not having a huge mess to clean up afterwards.

The most ironic part of the night was that the ONLY thing traditional about our Thanksgiving was the turkey. The boys literally sat on the kitchen counter in their underwear, each eating a giant turkey leg with no plate like Vikings. And that was the very BEST part of my night. It brought me great joy to realize that despite the turkey, we did Thanksgiving our own way after all.

We’re just gonna do holidays in our own weird way from now on. Unapologetically. The way we always should have done it. Whatever way makes us happy and content. And that makes me look forward to every holiday to come. ❤

Thoughts on Perspective.

On By KKIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Despite the normal stressors as well as the not-so-normal stressors I would have to say life is actually pretty great. I’ve got TONS to be grateful for, especially my children. I’ve got a handful of amazingly weird and chaotic and beautiful and straight up REAL friends. I’m blessed with a supportive and loving family. I have a job I enjoy. I have a home decorated in art and love and music. I have strength and passion and curiosity. I have self-respect (which, as it turns out, is a very rare quality) and self-love. I have everything I need and most of what I want.

If you asked me 2.5 years ago, I would have told the a different story. I was in a bad place. It was the first Thanksgiving separated from my husband with our family split apart for the first time in 8 years. It was foreign, and empty, and terrifying. I was on my own with 3 young boys and not a clue how I was going to do it. They spent Thanksgiving Day with him. That was the first Thanksgiving in my life that I spent completely alone (aside from the bottle of red wine that accompanied me on the couch) crying in the dark.

I felt so alone. So wrecked. The one thing I valued most in life…my precious family…was completely torn apart. All my perfect dreams of the life my children were going to have were shattered. With that, so was my heart. “Nothing,” I thought, “would ever be good again.”

I thought then that day-to-day life was a challenge to cope with. The holidays…way worse to cope with. The traditions I had worked so hard over the years to build for my children…completely destroyed. Yup, nothing was ever going to be the same.

I struggled for months and months and months. I changed jobs. Took a significant pay cut. Gave up all of my hobbies and dreams. I went from a healthy 2-income household to half of a 1-income household, on my own, with 3 kids. I was learning how to juggle full time work, any semblance of a normal social life I could find, shopping, cooking, cleaning, homework, showering regularly, praying, meditating, paying bills on time, and laundry. Ugh…the laundry. I was exhausted. Running on fumes. Frightened of how much time I had before I couldn’t keep going anymore. It was pretty bad.

I went through a relationship during that time. The not-so-good kind. I realized later it was simply a distraction from the reality I faced. Something to get lost in for awhile. Another excuse. Another mistake. Another massive heartbreak. Another delusion.

I drank. A lot. I thought about running away. A lot. I cried alone on my bedroom floor. A lot. Life was looking pretty unpromising.

Then one day I got pissed off and tired of feeling like life was going to always be an awful mess. I came to realize that shit happens. It always has, and it’s always going to. Then I realized that what had happened to my life wasn’t the problem. The problem was my perception of my life. I was so stuck in a swamp of grief and fear and anger and resentment and loss that I failed to see the opportunities for all that my life could now become had I stayed in an abusive marriage that I knew I never should have entered into in the first place. That, in and of itself, is a lot to accept.

I spent a good portion of 2019 self-reflecting. Analyzing my decisions. Not just recent ones…the ones I’ve made my entire life. And I got to know myself. Like, REALLY know myself. I figured out my personal habits and where they stem from. I realized some of my major character flaws and worked on them avidly. I identified all of the negative mindsets that had been programmed into me. I gave up most of the things that were never good for me. I replaced those things with things that brought me joy and peace. I replaced self-loathing with self-love. I replaced entitlement with gratitude. I replaced resentment with acceptance. I replaced hate with (in the very least) understanding. And you know what…life became GREAT again!

It took a lot of work. A lot of pain. But I got there.

In retrospect, I’ve always had a great life. I’ve always had a loving and supportive family. I’ve always had a handful of extraordinary friends. I’ve always had strength and passion and curiosity. I’ve always had a comfortable place to live. I literally have had NOTHING in my life worth complaining about. But my perspective was so wrong for so long that I never truly realized how blessed I’ve been in this world. And because of my perspective I never even gave myself a chance to know what it feels like to be truly grateful.

So I guess the moral to this long rambling story is this: Perspective is EVERYTHING! Shit happens. Things change. People come and go. Nothing is forever. Accept it. Own it. Appreciate it. Deal with it. Laugh. Cry. Dance. Sing. Explore. Do your best. But NEVER allow circumstances and unfavorable outcomes take you to a place so low that your entire mindset changes. Because it’s easy to get stuck there. And incredibly challenging to get out.

So if you’re feeling some kind of way in life right now and wondering if things will ever be good again, I challenge you to change your perspective. I’m willing to bet that if you do miraculous things will start happening for you. Actually, I promise they will! ❤